I left the title to this post, because, I guess in a way, I am introducing myself to the blogger world. Perhaps this is my first oppurtunity to think through what it is I want to say. Or maybe this is just a way to keep myself busy during my lonely bachelor nights.
I found it a bit ironic last night that I could not sleep. I was exhausted and certainly needed the sleep, but it was not happening. I awoke at 4:53 am dreaming about a deceitful old friend and his drug induced smiles and could not go back to sleep.
I do not think President Bush’s State of the Union address caused the problem. I only caught the end of it. The most interesting part of the whole thing is when PBS shows the post address handshakes and chats with the crowd as Mr. President leaves. I am not a fan of politicians anyway.
Maybe it was the fact that I had not won my battle between the New Orleans Saints and the Tampa Bay Buccanneers on my new Xbox 360. Yes that was truly demoralizing. I was ahead by 1 point with 14 seconds to play and the Bucs took an 81 yard drive down the field to score.
I should have been tired from the treadmill workout I had done earlier and the lack of sleep from the night before, but before the sun was even thinking about sending its rays upon the earth, I was cooking breakfast and playing with the Saints again in a battle against the Baltimore Ravens.
Maybe it was the fact that a spy satellite will be falling from the sky soon. I looked up at the night sky after my workout at my apartment’s small gym, seeing a blinking red light, and thinking that it would be pretty scary to have a large spy satellite came pummeling down upon me. Which way would you run? There’s no way to figure out its trajectory if it were headed your way.
Maybe it was the recent UFO sightings in Stephensville, TX that had me restless. The idea that I might be being monitored by aliens or that the government has some new spy ship that slinks around at night in a saucer-like ship plucking helpless rebels from society. Perhaps they work for Homeland Security.
No, I think that my problem was simpler. Something inside me that kept nagging at my eyelids until they were pried open. My time is now. I have felt that before, but for once I have an idea of how to get where I am going.
I have always felt that I have matured at an ungodly slow rate. Physically I am the right size. My brain functions as well as it ever will. Yet, I seem to learn things about myself much slower than others. Once I figure them out, I wonder what took me so long. Like that I should not shave against the grain, it hurts and I get cuts no matter how careful I am. Or that I really just need to be by myself sometimes. Or that things take longer than you think they will. Little lessons that most people have accepted I have fought for so long that I wonder how the opponent is so good. After taking a look at their gameplan I realize I was an idiot! This blogger is still an idiot, but seeing his own faults has propelled him to an objectivity that may humbly take him to someplace, if not better, then different from the places he has been before.
Regardless, this will be my oppurtunity to find some outlet for my thoughts and to hear from you what they sound like to real people. I want this to be a forum for discussion, not a soap box, so help my make it so.
Restless
Filed under: Introduction | Tagged: Introduction
Nice first post. I look forward to the day we can play each other in Madden or NCAA on xBox Live. I should be getting mine within the next two months!
Careful, buddy! A few of us from college might now be hoping it wasn’t our drug induced smiles invading your dreams…
The weather is cold and gloomy here, nearly 1000 miles north of you. I’d enjoy to visit your world this evening to hang out if it were only that easy. I’m relieved to be heading South for Mardi Gras this weekend for some ultimate and hanging out. We’ll miss you.
Check out the 2008 NHL hockey game for Xbox. I don’t have a system, but played it last week: ridiculous!
You managed to say everything and nothing at all in one post. Kudos for entering the digital world due to a sleepless night.
Glad to hear that other then insomnia things seem to be going well in that you are prospering enough to buy or steal an xbox360. I went with a Wii which I don’t regret because when I can’t sleep I play techmo bowl and tyson’s punchout.
Things are still rocking on my end. I’m enduring my long journey to the middle. Just recently broke up with my first latino girlfriend. It was an interesting social experiment. I’m aiming to date a black chick next just to see what can happen with that. Maybe I’ll join the Obama campaign to see if I can really make that happen. Does that make me a bad person?
If you can’t tell by my post…I’m still the same asshole I always was. Good to hear from you man.
Very off the wall, yet poetic….a writer in the making. You’re weird.
I sit in a frozen tundra wondering why the sun knows to come out from 930 to 1130 and 130 to 330, while I have my nose buried in my computer at my “cubicle”. I never dreamed I would find myself sitting in one of these small square spaces for 8 hours a day. But alas, I have arrived, and as we learned from Office Space, people who work in such conditions actually get about 15 minutes of productive work done in a week. Why we have to talk about the weather everyday is a mystery to me. We have a wall of windows, yet we feel the need to talk about what we are looking at as though we were talking about the razor sharp teeth of a tiger shark, or the relaxed yet busy nature of a clownfish and his anenome that we are viewing in an aquarium. Maybe we long to be a part of it but feel worlds away seperated by that thin pane of glass. 10 minute pollution inhalation breaks are soul quenching. Epecially at -5C.
Sounds negative and pessimistic I know but it’s not, or I’m not. I’m receiving a damn good dose of reality. A damn clear look at what i always knew was there but didn’t fully know what it would feel like. Well actually I guessed what it would feel like and I was right on. It’s not so bad. I’m getting paid to go to school and bullshit with some friendly and interesting people from “that” part of our society. Yes i feel quite seperated from most of them by menality and by what I know can be done. (Unlike them who say man i wish I could… about everything) But I learn alot from them everyday and that makes the day so much more interesting. I have nothing but repect for them, though it probably sound sliek i think I’m better than them. Not better than them, just better for myself than their ways.
What it all does for me is it helps to clairfy my goals. What’s important? Money. “Success”. Of course success is the most important thing in the world. But “success” is in the eye of the beholder, not his wallet. At least not for me. have faced the harsh reality that it is the link to the things I want to accomplish in the world. So I will pay their game while I work to bring my goals to fruition. And if I fuck that up then I’ll figure out a way to be a fucking bum who can travel, surf, and hike. That’s the best part…what I am trying to accomplish will be there whether i have 1 mill or 1K in the bank. Success can come in the form of a perfect A frame wave, a baby, a plate of baked beans and hot dogs under a purple mountain sunset.
I think the sleepless night comes from knowing that you are meant for greatness, in all its unique splendor. And your mind is keeping you awake and telling you that you haven’t reached the pinnacle. And that is a good thing. But don’t let it convince you that you should be doing anything other than what you are doing now because you chose what you chose for a reason, and that reason will manifest itself. Eventually. Maybe. I guess I’m writing this as much for myself or others that I know haven’t yet reached their pinnacle as I am writing for you. The mind is a selfish and impatient mother fucker.
So for now I will sit at the base of these majestic fucking mountains with their endless array of recreation. Utah kills it on nature. Still looking forward to a good dose of friend.
Aaron, there is something wrong with my vagina.
Well, I am happy to say that as I look at my tv screen with Mitt Romney muted and a check mark beside McCain’s name, this effort at expression won my vote today. Forget politics. When I opened up this site this evening and saw all the comments I was, well shocked, surprised and happy. When I saw that Corporate America (I will leave him unnamed until he so chooses to name himself) had posted a treatise on many things timeless I knew themicrocosm was working.
We are a microcosm of our world. Believe it or not within ourselves we have internal conflicts as great as any presidential debates and sometimes about the same things.
Corp. Am., you have put it well. I must quote something you said, “The mind is a selfish and impatient motherfucker.” First, let me say “motherfucker is my favorite expletive, so kudos there. Second, that is a brilliant piece of writing, because for me, you and so many others it is so true. I realize only now how much that impatience has tormented my decision making. Even just tonight… well let’s just say, I did not make a call I might have regretted.
Alas, I must say, I have realized that I am smart enough to trick myself with little mind games. I have learned to give my mind little tidbits of what it wants and yet only in a way that FINALLY keeps my goals in sight. Of course it did help to finally make some goals.
Let me add just one more thing for Corp. Am.: I was just talking about Office Space to a co-worker today. I acted out the Michael Bolton crushing the copy machine scene. Needless to say, our frustrating copy machine is not a Xerox.
Miketolly, I knew you had not changed. I did not need your post to know that. However, the Wii is a surprise.
As for you womanizing. I have much praise for your multi-ethnic approach.
Sean, the face was not yours, but if you think about it hard you could probably narrow it down to a handful of people. Raise the height above average, lengthen the hair, throw in some Jesuit and perhaps you can figure out who I am talking about. I will check out the NHL game asap. It immediately reminded me of Swingers.
Mike, get your Xbox and lets go live. My franchise record is pitiful at best and I need someone to kick my ass for a while.
I am so glad you started this! I can definitely relate to the loneliness of living by oneself, although I have been too busy and stressed out myself to feel its pressure. You are not an idiot, you are focused on more important things and enjoying your youth. You’ve been through the college experience at a great college and you have traveled and toured through America and other places and seen and done things that many people won’t experience. Who gives a shit if you cut yourself shaving? Cuts go away, and if you need time alone then take it! You are somewhat spending time alone with your thoughts while writing this blog. Don’t focus on your past/present mistakes (unless they are serious of course). The people who keep looking at their flaws don’t focus on the experiences they could be having (or the sleep they could be having!). Take your negative energy out on your Xbox and get some rest! Little things like this aren’t worth losing sleep over or stressing about.
-Guess Who? :)
I have one prevailing thought at the moment….James Gatz. I do beleive we all have a little of him in ourselves, but we will not be forgotten.
James Gatz. I had forgotten The Great Gatsby. It was indeed one of my favorite books. I am guessing that my desire to recall the past and old friends is what you mean by your allusion. I must say it was a little unsettling when I tried to analyze your statement more. There are a lot of instances and people from my past which I am not sure how I feel about.
Screw off, and you’re an idiot. An xBox 360, eh? What happened to PS3 for life (or until PS4 comes out)? Don’t cry to hard with every loss to the “computer.” You never were any good at video games.
It was hard for me to turn down the 360 as a house-warming gift, aimless.
Will you be my friend?
This post doesn’t totally relate to this thread but I don’t know how to start a new one. Maybe microcosm wants to control our thoughts and speaking tracks. Well fuck that.
It appears as though at least a handful of people here have broken out from where they were born or grew up or went to college. Thus, you might already know where I am going with this. It is so interesting how daunting a task it can be to make friends when one arrives in a new place. In college it was cake. You get drunk, they get drunk. You smoke pot, they smoke pot. You are a slacker, they are slackers. It fits so well and so easily. Little to no effort involved, it happens through a very natural progression. And then bam! The real fuckin world hits if you have moved someplace where you know nobody but a chicken blood drinking mormon, and you say to yourself, “how do I make friends?” Everyone i work with is twice my age with college aged kids and a powerful manipulating wife at home (or so microcosm would have us think). There is no class to go to with 25 people within four years your age. No keg parties to speak of and even if there were, you’re an old geezer now. You’re that creepy guy who is still chasing freshman tail.
So it has to happen randomly or through an activity that interests you. Ice hockey, I suppose, shall be my venue. So I know the place so how do I get ‘em in the friend bag? Do I ask for their number. Ask them to coffee. Or a beer? Dinner? Am I gay? No just looking for a little guy time. Clothed.
Sounds eerily like dating or chasing tail. You hit the bar and strike up a conversation. I wonder if he wants a friend too. Do we like the same things. Will we have fun on snowshoe hikes and the slopes together. Is he gay? Fuck.
So here I sit. Resolved to do the things i love with my free time and hope that someone half as cool as my college buddies will pop up in a very non-homosexual manner and eventually become an acquaintance or friend. And he better have a dozen really cool friends so that I only have to do this once.
And then I’ll probably move again.
So you tell a few jokes and hope for a few laughs. It’s when the music stops and the crowd splits, or when the ride is over and the park closes, that you wind up alone “holding the bag”. The big gamble is hoping the new group welcoming you with open arms doesn’t turn out to be a cult.
A real risk considering my current geographical location.
So, I have this theory that “real friends” are made one way and one way only, through confusion, despair, and vulnerability. That’s right all very negative notions. Why is it that we were able to make such good friends in college? Because, we all suffered from at least one of those conditions at some point in those lovely 4-8 years we spent earning a degree. Close friends know things about you that secret from most of the real world. You can open up and not feel gay or weak, because they have done the same for you. It is very hard in the “real” world to do this. No wonder so many people stay close to home. No wonder we never lose our college buddies.
That’s not to say it won’t happen, but in reality the chances of finding a friend that becomes close and then that opening the floodgates to a horde of new close friends is very unlikely. I would be happy with one guy that could come over and hang out and have a beer and bullshit.
Aren’t there plenty of homeless in Jvillle
touché